Heroes Come Back: Part 2 The Overall Lesson

 

Hey everyone!      

As promised Eatencookie is back with chapter 2 of her superhero fiction! If you enjoy a normal and serious read, honey you are in the wrong story! If you need directions back, take this scrap of paper, this candle wax and this wig. You’ll be surprised what powers Afros have. Though that wig isn’t one. Have fun and remember stick to the yellow brick road.      

*      

The leaves fell onto the statue-like appearance of the two occupants of the local, rusted swing set. The first ‘statue’ snorted loudly and fell backwards off his swing, breaking his statue-like image. Oddly enough, even with his legs still hung over the swing and his body lying on the ground at a rather awkward angle, Reflex didn’t wake. It may have had something to do with the fact that he was awoken a 6am. Though, those sleeping pills may have helped too.      

DroSensei on the other hand, had fallen off his swing a long time ago and now has a walrus moustache drawn on his face. All courtesy goes to Reflex who is a master of moustache drawing. Of course he lost to a Swiss ten-year old in the world finals, but that ten-year old had permanent markers back then.      

Mudshovel arrived in the park with a sober look on his face. Of course he wasn’t on time. After all the idiots in front of him thought that stealing the tyres from his world-class Barbie tricycle was the only way to get revenge on cutting off their time in the games room. Then again, they did steal his car tyres and battery the week previous because he ate the last cookie.      

Snapping his finger Mudshovel transformed himself into a gong. Like every event that occurs in this group, stupidity is the key factor. Gong-Shovel swung back and forth tipping each time on his stand. This idea might have been a good wake up call in theory. Sadly when you come up with this is the spur of the moment you don’t tend to take into consideration the fact that the wooden stick is not connected to the gong.      

Gong-Shovel felt a tinge of uneasiness in the centre of the ‘Littlest Elf’ portrait on the gong as a thought came to his mind. Which part of my body is that wooden stick? This question was answered when the stand finally lost its centre of gravity and fell down on the wooden stick filling the air with a hollow chime.      

DroSensei and Reflex jumped to their feet and cried out in unison as they both slipped on the damp foliage. Rubbing their heads they noticed Mudshovel’s figure rolling on the ground.      

“Aaaaah right in the baby-maker,” was the only legible sentence he managed to utter out in the midst of curses that left his mouth.      

The glance that DroSensei and Reflex shared told that they both agreed on one thing. Mudshovel, was indeed insane. Insane and that he had a slug on his forehead…      

*      

“So Mudshovel, who did you manage to recruit as our personal trainer?” Reflex questioned while passing a slinky between his palms.      

“Is it Jet Lee? No wait! Chuck Norris! No, no you still have your front teeth… Unless…. They are denchers….” DroSensei said suspiciously opening and closing his jaw in an imitation of sharp teeth.      

“Well actually,” Mudshovel began shuffling his feet awkwardly,” I have reviewed the budget that I created from the donations you both contributed… Well it would appear that–”      

“You got us Kung Fu Panda, didn’t you!?” DroSensei yelled pointing his index finger at Mudshovel.      

“Money? What money?! I didn’t make any donations!” Reflex yelled, aghast.           

“I may have hacked your account-” Reflex’s right eye twitched “-ANYWAY as I was saying, I have reviewed our budget and have made some discoveries. After deducting the expenses from the ice cream truck you both ambushed last week and-”      

“Hey we were convinced they were monitoring us! We got that vibe every time we passed it!” Reflex protested.      

“— adding the cost of the sauna you both seemed to have deemed necessary, I have reached a conclusion.”      

Come on Kung Fu Panda; thought DroSensei. Bastard… How can he even hack my account!? I thought I hid the account number on the fridge doo— Oh… Damn… were Reflex’s train of thought.      

“Well it would appear we can’t afford to hire a professional instructor or any proper equipment for that matter. But do not fear I have found someone myself!”      

“GAAAAAAAAH!!” DroSensei screamed out. “We’re doomed! Run children, the Twilight characters have arrived!” He then promptly shoved his head in the ground like an ostrich.      

“Twilighters!? You lied to me!” Reflex jumped back pointing his finger accusingly. “You promised I wouldn’t have to face those horrors!”      

Mudshovel’s head fell in shame. It wasn’t even Tuesday and he was already being insulted and being lumped in the same book as Twilight. “No… Actually I found this guy.” Mudshovel swung his arm to draw attention of an aging man in a wheelchair wearing a tattered air force jacket. Some people still wonder how they never spotted this man as our records state that he parked his wheelchair beside the swing set when DroSensei and Reflex both arrived that morning and even tried to have a conversation about hot babes.      

“P-Patches O’Houlihan!?” DroSensei gasped as soon as he managed to shake the soil from his head. He then attempted to discretely sidestep behind Reflex. “Didn’t the luck of the Irish kill you..?”      

“Son, no casino sign on earth can bring down a man on a wheelchair,” Patches grinned with an odd glint in his eyes.      

Reflex folded his arms across his chest narrowing his eyes suspiciously at Mudshovel. “What do you mean ‘we can’t afford any proper equipment?” Mudshovel cleared his throat and turned away from Reflex guiltily. Reflex continued to glare at a nervous looking Mudshovel. He even seemed to be completely oblivious to the bag of wrenches at the foot of the odd, urine smelling man.      

“Haha, so shall we begin, Patches?” Mudshovel said quickly but failed to hide the squeak in his voice. Up in a tree a male bird eyed him suggestively.      

*    

      

Ye Old Forest, WordPress, 12:00pm     

      

 Reflex sighed heavily pinching the bridge of his brow. Accepting to do training with a sketchy elderly man instead of blowing up the clothing factory, fine he had agreed to it. (Though grudgingly of course) But this… But THIS had crossed the line!      

Somewhere in the ancient forest of sycamores a wolf howled loudly into the darkness. Doing the only thing that seemed to make sense, Reflex took a moment to assess his surroundings. The things he did make note of in the darkness didn’t help to improve his humour. In fact, a cloud formed over his hung head. An eerie mist crept along the forest floor and the trees branches spread so far across any sign of daylight had been cut off. Thus Reflex was now in a creepy forest by himself and had no time. Well he blamed that bit on the old man who stole his Rolex.  The bastard stole it and now he was standing on what he was praying was just a very, very strong-smelling mud.      

Reflex walked for twenty minutes, stumbling and falling over gnarled tree roots. All the while he listened hard for anything out of the ordinary. Which boiled down to anything other than his breathing, twigs breaking and rustling leaves and that bird cawing…. and those glowing red eyes everywhere.        

Reflex froze in mid-step as his head snapped to the left. Carefully he rested his foot back onto the dead foliage and waited cautiously for the golden light to approach. If he knew then how bad a decision that was he would have run far, far away and hid under his bed for a month. Nothing could have prepared him for what was in store for him.      

Standing in front of him were two thirteen year old boys. Each wearing a pair of identical robes. Not something you should be proud of. The first was a small ginger haired boy who was eyeing a trail of spiders dramatically. You could tell he wanted to be anywhere but in this forest. The second boy had raven back hair, wore circular glasses, and had a square scar on his forehead.      

“Oh Christ! Harry Potter!?” said Reflex flabbergasted.      

“N-no, sir. M-my name is Larry Blotter,” the raven haired boy stammered.      

“Larry Blotter,” Reflex sighed shaking his head as he turned to the ginger boy. “ So who are you? Con Measly?”      

“Ron Weasley, bitch. Remember the name,” he said and soccer punched Reflex to the ground.      

*      

“Idiots,” Reflex said glaring in front of him at what he thought were the silhouettes of Larry and Ron. “Are you honestly telling me that you didn’t know where you were both going when you decided to follow the trail of spiders?”      

“Are you honestly expecting us to believe a senile old man, smelling of urine transported you into the Forbidden Forest? A forest that is supposingly impenetrable by magic?” Ron snapped back at him.      

“Both of you shut up,” Larry called back. “None of us could have predicted we would be abducted by giant spiders. Not even spiderman back there could use his powers against them.”      

“How can I use spider powers against spiders!? It is madness,” Reflex snapped, his pride taking another blow for the home team.      

“Aragog!” a spider called. “Aragog!”      

Reflex mouth fell open as a spider the size of a small elephant emerged from the centre of the cobweb. From that point the only things on Reflex’s mind was plans to escape, why was he of all people in a Harry Potter Parody and if he really wanted his Rolex back when all this was over. Probably not. When he finally tuned back into his surroundings things were not going well at all…      

“Well thank you, we’ll just go,” Larry had called shakily to the oversized spider.      

“C-can we panic now?” Ron’s voice trembled.      

But as the party of mismatched allies began a daring escape, Aragog spoke aloud.      

“Reflex, I have something to tell you…” it called out to him. Reflex turned slowly to face the spider the hair on the back of his neck prickling.      

“Reflex… I… AM YOU FATHER!”      

“D-daddy?”      

*      

Waterworld, WordPress, 12:00pm      

DroSensei had never been a man to own a great abundance of money. In fact he had become a target for pick pockets across WordPress. Then again, when you walk out of a bank carrying a money sac and humming ‘nom nom nom’ you are always at a higher risk. But then, that was not always his fault as it would came to manifest.      

When you become the example in the Evil Academy’s easy targets, you do tend to become a test dummy for beginners in the Lower Elements. The tale of the Lower Elements, does not have anything to do with DroSensei’s training so it shall be told on a later date.      

DroSensei emerged from the changing room sporting a wet suit, snorkel, Aqualung and a rubber ducky ring for good measure. His daddy told him it showed a true man. Sadly that was fifteen years ago and he still held to that belief. Some people are a child at heart. DroSensei is a child at mind too. Shaking his arms and hopping between both his feet, he approached the ‘Battle Arena’.      

The title made his stomach churn uncomfortably. Battle Arena? Surely he can’t have hired wrestlers for my training. We can’t even afford a glass of milk at the moment. Which is worrying because I am sure that cow is going to come after me one of these days to steal my secret milk carton.      

      

Maybe he convinced wrestlers… Wrestlers with motorbikes… Motorbikes that had skulls and flames painted on them… He would really come to wish he was that lucky. The opponent he had waiting was one that would give him nightmares in nights to come.      

DroSensei took an involuntary step backwards. Wooden planks surrounded the tip of a large cylindrical tank. The planks of the wooden platform were poorly laid and the water seeped through the gaps in the planks and through his shoes.      

This was not what shocked DroSensei. On the contrary, he could handle walking around while his feet squelched every time he touched down on the ground. No, what shocked him was his opponent. Values were something he held highly. Values, chivalry and pink haired men. Nowhere in the super hero handbook did it ever say that he would have to face a dolphin. A Kung Fu dolphin to boot.     

On the opposite end of the platform the dolphin stood on its fluke keeping perfect balance. Below its dorsal fin a black belt was tied neatly. If the scene didn’t seem comedic enough DroSensei’s rubber ducky ring chose now to quack.      

Simultaneously the dolphin dived into the water leaving an unearthly silence over the Arena. DroSensei leaned forward trying to locate the dolphin.      

“Eep,” he  squealed as the planks suddenly gave way under him and popped his poor ducky. He managed to fit his snorkel in his mouth just before the dolphin began its onslaught. It dealt a flurry of heavy jabs driving the breath from DroSensei’s lungs. Just as he managed to drag his arms to defend his head, the dolphin struck a blow with its fluke sending him flying back onto the platform.      

“H-holy crap,” he spluttered gasping out for breath. “That dolphin’s got some mad skills.” Once he managed to regain some composure and the dolphin had flipped onto the platform twenty feet away, DroSensei fell back onto his few options. Summoning. Maybe it was the fear or maybe it was the thought of losing out on the pretzels at the end of the fight, but something amazing happened. Into his outstretched hand appeared a spear.      

“Ohohohoho!” he cheered holding it above his head with both hands as he did a jig. Ten feet away the dolphin slowed to a halt. “Ohohohoho! Whatcha going to do now, huh? Eh, Flippers? Gonna go home squeaking to your mother?”      

Provoking the dolphin was not his brightest of ideas. The dolphin proceeded to break a plank of wood off the platform and beat him in a way Mr. T would later describe as him telling DroSensei to ‘quit your jibber jabber fool.”      

DroSensei climbed gingerly onto his feet swaying dangerously. “Y-you..! I am g-gonna toast you,” he panted out. “I’m going to m-make you into sushi! With my flame thrower!”      

“AHAHAHAHAHA-Ha?” He looked down. “OH MY GOSH I’M ON FIRE!”      

“Squeak?” he looked up and noticed a certain dolphin torpedo flying at him.      

“Eh?”      

CRASH!!      

*      

Hungry Giant’s Llama Hoof, WordPress, 12:00pm       

Dire. Not a word to be used lightly. But Mudshovel would make an exception in this situation. After all his situation was as dire as his socks were flashing. And boy were they flashing.      

Beads of sweat rolled down Mudshovel’s chin dropping into the giant boiling pot below. As terrifying as the thought of being dinner for a tribe of primitive people is, it was more alarming how they actually managed to make a giant cooking pot. Lets put it this way, it wasn’t made of any metal and that dragon’s child in not one happy camper.      

One thing was for sure. Mudshovel smelled good. Blast these confounded herbs! How do they even know how to prepare cuisine like this? Did I just refer to myself as food?      

“Cook big meal for chief,” said the first male in a loin cloth… At least he was wearing something unlike that undignified bear.      

“Make him an Aussie Surprise. He likes that!” The second one said.      

“Let me down! I’m not dinner! I am a super hero!” Mudshovel yelled swinging back and forth on the ropes restraining him over the pot.      

A short pause followed. “Does Super hero stew taste nice?”      

“Aye, we shall make him that.”      

“I’m not food! Mmmm what smells nice? Oh me,” he pouted still swinging. “H-hey stop putting pepper on me!” he sneezed.     

“Aussie talks a lot. Maybe we should remove his tongue for the flower to eat.” Flower? Pretty girl? Maybe these guys aren’t too bad after all. That thought ended when they started chanting and dancing around the pot. “Food. Food. Food. Food.”      

“Alarm ring! Alarm ring!” An obese tribes man called buzzing like an alarm. “Chief approaches with flower!” Then hullabaloo followed. While the tribe ran around throwing plants, plates and bounced off each others stomachs when they ran into each other, Mudshovel used this to his advantage.      

Focusing on the tiger shape in his mind he began to transform. His body became bulkier, a tail flicked, fur grew over his skin and whiskers sprouted from his cheeks. There standing on all fours stood a giant, furry 2bl cat. Not exactly what he was going for at all.      

The tribe froze at looked at the Mud-cat. “Cat stew?”      

“Meow?”      

*      

“MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!”      

The cat sprinted across the savanna in a panic. What type of tribe keeps hyenas as pets? It’s insane. The spooky laughter behind him made him quicken his pace.      

Fifteen minutes of relentless running finally left Mudshovel with no pursuers. Or so he thought until he walked into a cloak. The sight when he looked up made things all the worse.      

Looming over tiny catshovel towered a man and woman he never hoped to meet. An aging man with bandages surrounding his right eye and up his right arm scowled down at him. Beside the man a pink haired woman gaped.      

“What is a kitty doing in a place like this?” Sakura said.      

“That isn’t a cat, that is a spy from a top-secret organisation. Possibly Wear-”      

“It IS a kitty!” Sakura whined bursting into tears before running off into the bushes.      

“Ugh, what an annoyingly emotional girl. Well I will finish you by myself.” Donzou began to untie the bandages on his arm. Revealing…. Sharigans… and a hell of a lot of wrinkles.      

What the hell? Is he a walking doujutsu!? I heard of buy one get one free but Walmart you have went to far!      

*      

Central Park, WordPress, 17:42      

“So what have you all learned?” Patches asked the three worn out men now sprawled out across  the Merry Go Round.      

“Never take training from a man you don’t know much about,” the three answered together.      

“Wrong!” he turned to face Reflex.      

He hit him between the eyes with a wrench. “If you can’t dodge a wrench you can’t dodge a child custody case between two different fathers!”      

He struck DroSensei on his forehead. “If you can’t dodge a wrench you can’t dodge a kung fu dolphin!”      

He threw a wrench hitting Mudshovel in a place where the sun doesn’t shine. “If you can’t dodge a wrench you can’t dodge the amount of terrible plot twists in Naruto!”      

OVERALL LESSON: YOU CAN’T DODGE A WRENCH

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~ by eatencookie on December 11, 2009.

6 Responses to “Heroes Come Back: Part 2 The Overall Lesson”

  1. LMFAO!!! Hahaha, that story was even more hilarious than the 1st one! XD I Especially liked the Naruto tid bits at the end. Someone obviously wrote the last part after the latest chapter was released and wasn’t to pleased with Daznou’s arm fiasco. 😉

    Glad to see you back Cookie and I implore more people to read this story. o_O YOU CAN’T DODGE A WRENCH IF YOU DON’T READ THIS STORY!!! >(0_0)>

    Ok I’m done. ><

  2. loll nice and SECOND!!!!

  3. 3rd!

  4. COOKIE U! R A GODDESS IN DISGUSE XD…heheh that was funny!

    OH and FORTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Erm I don’t even want to know what the deal with those 4 related posts are…. they are just freaking me out.. Just like those snow flakes up there ^ I remember logging on and then like ‘OH MY GOD WHAT IS ON MY SCREEN!’ they should come with a warning sign ! :O

    Well thanks guys 😀 Super.. how strange it is that you know that.. it is almost like i was talking to you while i wrote that bit 😉 and no pressure on others then?

    well i had to go in disguise! can you imagine the looks i would get walking glowing and in robes? 😉

  6. How did I miss this way back when? Man it’s been a long time since then…Miss ya guys! 😀

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